Houston, We Have a Problem

It's been a long month since I've last written any updates. One filled with a lot of emotion, a lot of confusion, and a whole lot of pain. 

On the 16th of March, I herniated 3 discs. Don't ask me how, because I have no clue. 

Working as a nurse for a neurosurgeon, I've seen my patients come through our doors with herniations, and so I've heard their stories and helped them along the way. It's one thing to help someone from an outsider's perspective, but going through it yourself is an entirely different experience. It has brought me from sympathy to empathy. From knowing about something from the outside looking in, to stepping inside and walking it out myself. 

It started as intense back pain. There were no "incidents" or "accidents" that lead up to it. I was just sitting at my desk doing my work one minute, and the next, my back was killing me. I took some Aleve thinking it would help. Problem is, during the last two years, my allergies have gone from nonexistent to insanely crazy. So during allergy seasons, I'm always stocked up on decongestants, antihistamines, and NSAIDs. Which has done a number on my stomach (NSAIDs put you at increased risk for gastric ulcers and pain). So by the time I got home, I was in terrible back pain and terrible stomach pain that brought me to my knees. I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, I had the ugly cry going on, and was minutes away from asking Matt to take me to the ER.  

A friend of mine is the office manager for a local chiropractor, and was able to squeeze me in the next day for a consultation. It was also the day that our health inspection was scheduled. The inspector was scheduled in the morning, and the chiropractor was only open in the morning, which posed a bit of a problem. After tons of phone calls to the county I was finally able to reschedule her for that afternoon. 

I had never been to a chiropractor before, so I had no clue what to expect, other than lots of pops and cracks. Except the initial visit didn't have any of that, just a lot of X-Rays and examination tests. Bend this way, twist that way, now put your leg behind your head and hop on the other foot...

OK maybe not that last one...

Y'all. My X-Rays are from a horror film. Just call me Carrie, the hunchback of Boerne. As it turns out, I've got a pretty serious case of congenital kyphosis. It's the fancy medical term for hunchback, or rounding of the shoulders and a forward curve in the thoracic spine. The thoracic spine is the portion of the spine from the bottom of the neck to the mid-back region. It is this portion of the spine that the ribs are connected to. There is normally a slight curve in this part of the spine, ranging from 20°-40°. Mine measures 60°.

Yup. That's me. Unfortunately.

There are lots of ways of acquiring this lovely deformity, and it's prevalence is skyrocketing due to, in my opinion, the smartphone revolution. Other experts agree with this hypothesis. Because more and more people, young people--teenagers and children to be exact, are spending so much of their time with their phones in their hands zoning everything out thats going on around them to put their entire concentration on this machine. Slouching over and looking down.

And while I've done my fair share of this, for the curve to be that severe at my age, I had to have inherited it genetically. Come to find out, my grandmother has severe kyphosis, according to all the medical records that she sent me. The unfortunate thing is that, had it been diagnosed at a young age, it could have possibly been corrected through bracing and therapy. Now that my bones are mature, the likelihood of correcting it non surgically is slim-to-none. 

And after 29 years of carrying my body with this shape, the bones, muscles, and ligaments finally said enough is enough. I threw everything in the book at it including an oh-so-sexy back brace, non narcotic pain medications, muscle relaxers, TENS unit, and chiropractic adjustments. It was really fun the weekend of my cousins's wedding, when I had my worst day yet. I feel like I was the worst bridesmaid of all time, but what can you do...

After a couple of weeks of all of this, the pain persisted and my boss recommended that I get an MRI.

The really fun part of that was seeing the business side of the medical field. I'm on a high deductible insurance plan, which means that I pay 100% of the cost of all medical care until I reach my deductible and then the insurance company pick up 100% of the cost after that. I chose this plan because it's cheap, and because I'm young and healthy, with no medical issues. Insert eye roll emoji here...

So obviously, I did a lot of shopping around to find the best price I could. The costs of an MRI varies so much from one facility the the next, it is ridiculous. I can't understand how you can go one place and pay a certain amount, and then go to another place and pay over three times as much. FOR THE SAME TEST. It is so crazy. 

Lay still in a tiny tube, and an hour later, come to find out, there are 3 herniations, a tiny one at T1/2, and then 2 large ones, which are compressing my anterior spinal cord at T6/7 and T7/8. Those are right at the most severe part of the curve in my T-spine. There is also degeneration of 4 levels where the discs are desiccated. If you look closely at the X-Ray above, you can see those levels, where the spaces between the vertebrae are super small. The pain I'm having is from a combination of the degeneration, the shape of the spine, and the herniated discs.

The first choice of pain relief for herniated discs are anti-inflammatories and steroids. So I was started on a steroid regimen. And was quickly instructed to stop it immediately due to a sudden onset of blurred vision, which came within just 2 days of taking it. If it's not one thing, it's another. Come to find out, I am a lucky member of the tiny percentage of people who have a reaction to steroids causing intraocular hypertension, which could lead to glaucoma. The pressures in my eyes went up, causing the blurred vision. After stopping the steroids, my vision has slowly gone back to normal, and I go back to recheck the pressures next week to make sure it has gone back to normal.

For now, I am trying to manage my pain conservatively, without surgery. Because surgery would mean a huge fusion, which has it's own risks, including that it may not even help my pain, and any time you fuse a spine, it puts more stress on the levels above and below the fusion, degenerating those levels, and then the need to do a larger fusion is a possibility. It can be an unending cycle in and out of the OR. So to choose that route at my age is not the ideal choice. 

I have pain every day, but some days are better than others. Mostly, my pain is at its worst in the evenings. Luckily, I know all the right people, and my boss is taking good care of me. I got a better chair at work, along with a sit-to-stand desk, which has helped tremendously during the workday. I have a TENS unit which helps when the pain gets bad. I've got medications that I can take at work, and then stronger medications that I can take if I need them in the evenings and on weekends. I have a brace that helps tremendously. And I have a husband who has gone to the moon and back to help me. He's stuck true to that whole in sickness and in health deal.

For now, I'm not sure where this leaves us on our foster journey. I have days when I feel like I could handle a child, and then I have days that I couldn't even imagine dealing with this and a baby. I think that with time, as I learn how to handle my new normal, things will get better. I've talked with 3 of our surgeons in our practice, and the consensus is that right now, surgery isn't on the table, and it's looking like this is going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. So I need to learn how to live with it and manage it consistently. We are for the most part almost ready to be licensed. Only a few more minor things to get done before we would be ready for a home study. But for the past month, all of our energies have been focused on my back and how to deal with my pain. 

This is my new normal. But I refuse to let this current state be my normal. I am determined to find what works best for me so that I can still live a somewhat normal life. One where a trip to HEB doesn't put me down for the count. And one where I'm not living from one medication to the next.

But God...

Well, y'all. We've been eating that elephant. I know it's been a while. Sigh...

Since the last time we've seen each other, we've completed our foster licensing classes. And we've been eating the elephant that is the paperwork of foster care. And honestly, we're almost done. With this part anyway... We've got our health inspector coming out this week and then a couple of other things to finish, and then we'll be ready for the next step, which is our home study.

While researching foster care and the licensing process, I never really could find a good checklist of all that we'd need to do and get together. In the time of waiting, I really wanted to be able to prepare and nest well. But all of the requirements differ from state to state, and agency to agency. Because it's something that I so desperately wanted to find, and felt so strongly that it would have helped me, I plan to write a post soon about all the preparations and paperwork that is required for foster licensing. Well. At least everything that comes with licensing in Texas. And at least in Kendall county. Do things change from county to county? See..that's a question I don't even know...but I think they're similar, because our agency works in multiple counties and the requirements seem to be the same for them... hmmmm...

I digress... My mind seems to be a whirlwind these days. Between scheduling everything and signing everything and still cleaning out the junk from our house...

But one thing that I've learned through all of this adulting is that you have to take some time to decompress a little. A few weeks ago, our women's ministry at church hosted a chalkboard lettering class with Selah Creative Studio here in Boerne. And you guys. My life has changed.

What started as a simple desire to hang out with other women and do something fun and different turned into a little bit of an obsession. And I've been doodling everywhere since. I ended up posting some of my doodles on Facebook of some of the scriptures I've drawn out. In my eye, they could use some practice. And a lot of it.

But God...

God created me to be a creative. And recently, the Execitive Director of the South TX Alliance For Orphans reached out and challenged me to help with a project. Y'all. I never thought I'd be able to do this. But I LOVE it. One of my besties had a t-shirt company and she let me in on a secret program that took a little (ok a lot of) Googling to figure out but I've learned how I can draw out my designs and then digitize them and manipulate them to embed them into other media. I'm constantly amazed at what God does in my life when I'm not even looking for or expecting anything to come out of it. One of my favorites is this one, and I don't feel guilty posting it because the SoTXAFO didn't select it for the project.

Being part of our nursery theme, this particular one is so personal for me. And I'm so surprised at what God has stirred up in me through this outlet in only the past couple of weeks. And He's used this outlet to calm me and to give me something to focus on while we continue this seemingly never ending waiting season.

So that's what I've been up to recently, and I'll be continuing to work with the SoTXAFO on the project that they've reached out to me for. We'll also continue to eat the elephant of paperwork until we're ready for the next step.

I covet your continued prayers and support for us as we move along in this journey. Getting over this first hump has seemed to be a huge feat so far. But God...

Eating the Elephant

I'm a good Texan carnivore. So I love me a big juicy steak. You know, the kind where your eyes are bigger than your mouth, and so sometimes you cut yourself a bite that just looks so perfect and amazing. And then you put it in your mouth and you realize that you may have just cut a bite that's just a little to big? And you chew. And chew. And chew some more. But this thing is just ginormous. And so you sit there like a dummie with a giant ball of steak in your cheek? Not wishing that you weren't eating the steak, but just wishing that you had cut a smaller bite?

Ever been there? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

Getting started with foster care is just like that. But with paperwork. I knew a lot would be required. But applications, acknowledgements, policies, questionnaires, autobiographies...

The Type A in me is going a little crazy wanting to get everything done all at once. It can be especially overwhelming because there are two people in this group project who have homework to turn in. And I have no control over their work. I'm over here like OMGGGG and the other party is over there like OK, cool...

It's this balancing act that I think God might be telling me to work on. It's this thing where I have to let go of some of my control. Ok, probably ALL of my control.  Because let's face it ladies, we can tend to get a little controlling, amiright?!? Can I get an Amen?!?

The thing is, in the foster world, that is the one thing that we will have NONE of. Control. We will have ALL of the responsibility, and yet NONE of the control. NONE of the rights. I can't even cut my child's hair without permission from the state.

*Insert wide-eyed emoji here*

As I venture out on the paperwork journey, the Lord keeps giving me this illustration though, of taking a bite that's too much to handle. Of eating a Chipotle burrito. (Come on, those things are gigantic...)

A lifelong friend of mine who has walked this path before me reminded me that we're, "Eating the elephant one bite at a time." The Lord is funny like that. Quirky, if you will. He gives you a picture, and then pounds it into your head over and over with different views of it.

Texas-sized steaks.

Chipotle burritos.

Eating an elephant.

And yet the message remains the same: "Beloved, just trust Me. I have given you this task. And you can only overcome it one small portion at a time. I have put this elephant in front of you, and you must eat it all. You will accomplish it. With My help you will overcome. But you can only do it one small bite at a time. But I will be with you always, even till the end of the age."

And so here I sit at this table, mountains of food in front of me that I must consume. Wide eyed, and mystified at what's in front of me. But ready to take it on, one bite at a time, with my God at my side.

What is the elephant that sits in front of you? Let this be an encouragement that the Lord will be with you, and that you can overcome it, one small bite at a time.

Image credit

Ready or Not!

February 2, 2017. Today. It's finally here. A day that we have been counting down to since July when the Lord definitively revealed to us His call to foster care. This is a day that I have looked forward to with eager anticipation and nervousness, all at the same time.

Today we begin our training.

Today is the day that changes everything. Today is a day where everything moving forward is pushing toward one goal: mothering and fathering children in need of a loving family. Whether they are with us for a short time, or a lifetime, today we officially begin our journey toward parenthood.

As you go throughout your day, would you lift up in prayer, not only us, but the other families who will be joining us tonight in our training. That we would keep our eyes focused on this call that God has placed over us, and that we would not look to the right or to the left, but only on the path that He has set out for us.

Would you pray in agreement with us that the schemes of the enemy would be in vain, as he tries to prevent us and the other families from carrying this mantle.

Would you pray that schedules open up and that time is protected, so that we all can make it safely and on time to the training, not only today, but for the rest of the training as well over the next few weeks.

Would you pray that our minds and our hearts would not get overwhelmed with information overload, and that we will just take one thing at a time, and look to the Cross for provision and direction.

Would you pray favor and blessing over these families starting their journeys today.

I can't tell you how humbled we are that God has called us here. Ready or not, here we go!

Image Credit

Be Strong and Courageous

It's been a while since I've written you, dear Internet, and for that I apologize. The holiday season was BUSY for us, to say the least. I'm sure my busy-ness will just get worse when Little Bit comes along...

I also have wanted to keep this platform very intentional, and keep my posts completely lead by the Holy Spirit, sharing with you guys whatever it is that He wants me to share, when He wants to share it. There are seasons in our lives where we hear Him speaking to us constantly, and then there are seasons that He seems to be quiet, and I'm learning that this is something to be embraced. Because let's be real, I'm still very much in a season of waiting, and I must learn to embrace it.

This process will be a long one, and I'm learning that most people may not fully realize that. At Christmas, there were some that were expecting to see a bouncing baby on my lap. As much as I wish that were the case, it is not. But. In time, it will be. And it will be that much sweeter, because the timing will be right.

One thing that is coming along, is preparing our nursery. I haven't gotten anything put together quite enough to do any sort of "reveal," and I'm not sure when that will ever be, if even. But I am ready to say that our "theme," if you will, for the room is Strong and Brave.

In Scripture, the Lord commands His people over and over again to be strong and courageous. And as we look forward to this season that lies ahead of us, He has made it clear that this will be a season for Matt and I to be strong and courageous, as well as to create a space for the child(ren) who come through our doors that will prophesy strength and courage over their lives.

Something that has been so special to me has been Matt's Christmas gift to me. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him I wanted Giving Keys. Originally, I had asked him for two of the same necklace, in different colors. One with the word Strength, and one with the word Courage.  When I opened them to see two different necklaces in two different lengths, I was overwhelmed with pleasant surprise. Because now, I can wear them together. The Lord's prophesy over us and over our children will be around my neck more times than not. Together. Not separately.

And you know what? It's even better, because if we are strong, but have no courage, then where are we? And if we have courage, but are not strong, then how far can we go in our battles? The Lord does not command His people to just be strong, or to just be courageous. He commands us to be Strong AND courageous.

And so with every time that I wear these, I am owning a prophesy of what God is creating me to be and what He is using me to instill in our family: STRENGTH. COURAGE.

So if you see me wearing them, and wonder if these are just trivial words for me, they are absolutely not. These words are God's prophesy over me. These words are God's prophesy over Matt. These words are God's prophesy over our children. I wear these with great reverence. I wear these as a seal of God's promises over our lives.

And I will cherish these sweet gifts forever.