Houston, We Have a Problem

It's been a long month since I've last written any updates. One filled with a lot of emotion, a lot of confusion, and a whole lot of pain. 

On the 16th of March, I herniated 3 discs. Don't ask me how, because I have no clue. 

Working as a nurse for a neurosurgeon, I've seen my patients come through our doors with herniations, and so I've heard their stories and helped them along the way. It's one thing to help someone from an outsider's perspective, but going through it yourself is an entirely different experience. It has brought me from sympathy to empathy. From knowing about something from the outside looking in, to stepping inside and walking it out myself. 

It started as intense back pain. There were no "incidents" or "accidents" that lead up to it. I was just sitting at my desk doing my work one minute, and the next, my back was killing me. I took some Aleve thinking it would help. Problem is, during the last two years, my allergies have gone from nonexistent to insanely crazy. So during allergy seasons, I'm always stocked up on decongestants, antihistamines, and NSAIDs. Which has done a number on my stomach (NSAIDs put you at increased risk for gastric ulcers and pain). So by the time I got home, I was in terrible back pain and terrible stomach pain that brought me to my knees. I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, I had the ugly cry going on, and was minutes away from asking Matt to take me to the ER.  

A friend of mine is the office manager for a local chiropractor, and was able to squeeze me in the next day for a consultation. It was also the day that our health inspection was scheduled. The inspector was scheduled in the morning, and the chiropractor was only open in the morning, which posed a bit of a problem. After tons of phone calls to the county I was finally able to reschedule her for that afternoon. 

I had never been to a chiropractor before, so I had no clue what to expect, other than lots of pops and cracks. Except the initial visit didn't have any of that, just a lot of X-Rays and examination tests. Bend this way, twist that way, now put your leg behind your head and hop on the other foot...

OK maybe not that last one...

Y'all. My X-Rays are from a horror film. Just call me Carrie, the hunchback of Boerne. As it turns out, I've got a pretty serious case of congenital kyphosis. It's the fancy medical term for hunchback, or rounding of the shoulders and a forward curve in the thoracic spine. The thoracic spine is the portion of the spine from the bottom of the neck to the mid-back region. It is this portion of the spine that the ribs are connected to. There is normally a slight curve in this part of the spine, ranging from 20°-40°. Mine measures 60°.

Yup. That's me. Unfortunately.

There are lots of ways of acquiring this lovely deformity, and it's prevalence is skyrocketing due to, in my opinion, the smartphone revolution. Other experts agree with this hypothesis. Because more and more people, young people--teenagers and children to be exact, are spending so much of their time with their phones in their hands zoning everything out thats going on around them to put their entire concentration on this machine. Slouching over and looking down.

And while I've done my fair share of this, for the curve to be that severe at my age, I had to have inherited it genetically. Come to find out, my grandmother has severe kyphosis, according to all the medical records that she sent me. The unfortunate thing is that, had it been diagnosed at a young age, it could have possibly been corrected through bracing and therapy. Now that my bones are mature, the likelihood of correcting it non surgically is slim-to-none. 

And after 29 years of carrying my body with this shape, the bones, muscles, and ligaments finally said enough is enough. I threw everything in the book at it including an oh-so-sexy back brace, non narcotic pain medications, muscle relaxers, TENS unit, and chiropractic adjustments. It was really fun the weekend of my cousins's wedding, when I had my worst day yet. I feel like I was the worst bridesmaid of all time, but what can you do...

After a couple of weeks of all of this, the pain persisted and my boss recommended that I get an MRI.

The really fun part of that was seeing the business side of the medical field. I'm on a high deductible insurance plan, which means that I pay 100% of the cost of all medical care until I reach my deductible and then the insurance company pick up 100% of the cost after that. I chose this plan because it's cheap, and because I'm young and healthy, with no medical issues. Insert eye roll emoji here...

So obviously, I did a lot of shopping around to find the best price I could. The costs of an MRI varies so much from one facility the the next, it is ridiculous. I can't understand how you can go one place and pay a certain amount, and then go to another place and pay over three times as much. FOR THE SAME TEST. It is so crazy. 

Lay still in a tiny tube, and an hour later, come to find out, there are 3 herniations, a tiny one at T1/2, and then 2 large ones, which are compressing my anterior spinal cord at T6/7 and T7/8. Those are right at the most severe part of the curve in my T-spine. There is also degeneration of 4 levels where the discs are desiccated. If you look closely at the X-Ray above, you can see those levels, where the spaces between the vertebrae are super small. The pain I'm having is from a combination of the degeneration, the shape of the spine, and the herniated discs.

The first choice of pain relief for herniated discs are anti-inflammatories and steroids. So I was started on a steroid regimen. And was quickly instructed to stop it immediately due to a sudden onset of blurred vision, which came within just 2 days of taking it. If it's not one thing, it's another. Come to find out, I am a lucky member of the tiny percentage of people who have a reaction to steroids causing intraocular hypertension, which could lead to glaucoma. The pressures in my eyes went up, causing the blurred vision. After stopping the steroids, my vision has slowly gone back to normal, and I go back to recheck the pressures next week to make sure it has gone back to normal.

For now, I am trying to manage my pain conservatively, without surgery. Because surgery would mean a huge fusion, which has it's own risks, including that it may not even help my pain, and any time you fuse a spine, it puts more stress on the levels above and below the fusion, degenerating those levels, and then the need to do a larger fusion is a possibility. It can be an unending cycle in and out of the OR. So to choose that route at my age is not the ideal choice. 

I have pain every day, but some days are better than others. Mostly, my pain is at its worst in the evenings. Luckily, I know all the right people, and my boss is taking good care of me. I got a better chair at work, along with a sit-to-stand desk, which has helped tremendously during the workday. I have a TENS unit which helps when the pain gets bad. I've got medications that I can take at work, and then stronger medications that I can take if I need them in the evenings and on weekends. I have a brace that helps tremendously. And I have a husband who has gone to the moon and back to help me. He's stuck true to that whole in sickness and in health deal.

For now, I'm not sure where this leaves us on our foster journey. I have days when I feel like I could handle a child, and then I have days that I couldn't even imagine dealing with this and a baby. I think that with time, as I learn how to handle my new normal, things will get better. I've talked with 3 of our surgeons in our practice, and the consensus is that right now, surgery isn't on the table, and it's looking like this is going to be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. So I need to learn how to live with it and manage it consistently. We are for the most part almost ready to be licensed. Only a few more minor things to get done before we would be ready for a home study. But for the past month, all of our energies have been focused on my back and how to deal with my pain. 

This is my new normal. But I refuse to let this current state be my normal. I am determined to find what works best for me so that I can still live a somewhat normal life. One where a trip to HEB doesn't put me down for the count. And one where I'm not living from one medication to the next.

But God...

Well, y'all. We've been eating that elephant. I know it's been a while. Sigh...

Since the last time we've seen each other, we've completed our foster licensing classes. And we've been eating the elephant that is the paperwork of foster care. And honestly, we're almost done. With this part anyway... We've got our health inspector coming out this week and then a couple of other things to finish, and then we'll be ready for the next step, which is our home study.

While researching foster care and the licensing process, I never really could find a good checklist of all that we'd need to do and get together. In the time of waiting, I really wanted to be able to prepare and nest well. But all of the requirements differ from state to state, and agency to agency. Because it's something that I so desperately wanted to find, and felt so strongly that it would have helped me, I plan to write a post soon about all the preparations and paperwork that is required for foster licensing. Well. At least everything that comes with licensing in Texas. And at least in Kendall county. Do things change from county to county? See..that's a question I don't even know...but I think they're similar, because our agency works in multiple counties and the requirements seem to be the same for them... hmmmm...

I digress... My mind seems to be a whirlwind these days. Between scheduling everything and signing everything and still cleaning out the junk from our house...

But one thing that I've learned through all of this adulting is that you have to take some time to decompress a little. A few weeks ago, our women's ministry at church hosted a chalkboard lettering class with Selah Creative Studio here in Boerne. And you guys. My life has changed.

What started as a simple desire to hang out with other women and do something fun and different turned into a little bit of an obsession. And I've been doodling everywhere since. I ended up posting some of my doodles on Facebook of some of the scriptures I've drawn out. In my eye, they could use some practice. And a lot of it.

But God...

God created me to be a creative. And recently, the Execitive Director of the South TX Alliance For Orphans reached out and challenged me to help with a project. Y'all. I never thought I'd be able to do this. But I LOVE it. One of my besties had a t-shirt company and she let me in on a secret program that took a little (ok a lot of) Googling to figure out but I've learned how I can draw out my designs and then digitize them and manipulate them to embed them into other media. I'm constantly amazed at what God does in my life when I'm not even looking for or expecting anything to come out of it. One of my favorites is this one, and I don't feel guilty posting it because the SoTXAFO didn't select it for the project.

Being part of our nursery theme, this particular one is so personal for me. And I'm so surprised at what God has stirred up in me through this outlet in only the past couple of weeks. And He's used this outlet to calm me and to give me something to focus on while we continue this seemingly never ending waiting season.

So that's what I've been up to recently, and I'll be continuing to work with the SoTXAFO on the project that they've reached out to me for. We'll also continue to eat the elephant of paperwork until we're ready for the next step.

I covet your continued prayers and support for us as we move along in this journey. Getting over this first hump has seemed to be a huge feat so far. But God...

Eating the Elephant

I'm a good Texan carnivore. So I love me a big juicy steak. You know, the kind where your eyes are bigger than your mouth, and so sometimes you cut yourself a bite that just looks so perfect and amazing. And then you put it in your mouth and you realize that you may have just cut a bite that's just a little to big? And you chew. And chew. And chew some more. But this thing is just ginormous. And so you sit there like a dummie with a giant ball of steak in your cheek? Not wishing that you weren't eating the steak, but just wishing that you had cut a smaller bite?

Ever been there? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

Getting started with foster care is just like that. But with paperwork. I knew a lot would be required. But applications, acknowledgements, policies, questionnaires, autobiographies...

The Type A in me is going a little crazy wanting to get everything done all at once. It can be especially overwhelming because there are two people in this group project who have homework to turn in. And I have no control over their work. I'm over here like OMGGGG and the other party is over there like OK, cool...

It's this balancing act that I think God might be telling me to work on. It's this thing where I have to let go of some of my control. Ok, probably ALL of my control.  Because let's face it ladies, we can tend to get a little controlling, amiright?!? Can I get an Amen?!?

The thing is, in the foster world, that is the one thing that we will have NONE of. Control. We will have ALL of the responsibility, and yet NONE of the control. NONE of the rights. I can't even cut my child's hair without permission from the state.

*Insert wide-eyed emoji here*

As I venture out on the paperwork journey, the Lord keeps giving me this illustration though, of taking a bite that's too much to handle. Of eating a Chipotle burrito. (Come on, those things are gigantic...)

A lifelong friend of mine who has walked this path before me reminded me that we're, "Eating the elephant one bite at a time." The Lord is funny like that. Quirky, if you will. He gives you a picture, and then pounds it into your head over and over with different views of it.

Texas-sized steaks.

Chipotle burritos.

Eating an elephant.

And yet the message remains the same: "Beloved, just trust Me. I have given you this task. And you can only overcome it one small portion at a time. I have put this elephant in front of you, and you must eat it all. You will accomplish it. With My help you will overcome. But you can only do it one small bite at a time. But I will be with you always, even till the end of the age."

And so here I sit at this table, mountains of food in front of me that I must consume. Wide eyed, and mystified at what's in front of me. But ready to take it on, one bite at a time, with my God at my side.

What is the elephant that sits in front of you? Let this be an encouragement that the Lord will be with you, and that you can overcome it, one small bite at a time.

Image credit

Ready or Not!

February 2, 2017. Today. It's finally here. A day that we have been counting down to since July when the Lord definitively revealed to us His call to foster care. This is a day that I have looked forward to with eager anticipation and nervousness, all at the same time.

Today we begin our training.

Today is the day that changes everything. Today is a day where everything moving forward is pushing toward one goal: mothering and fathering children in need of a loving family. Whether they are with us for a short time, or a lifetime, today we officially begin our journey toward parenthood.

As you go throughout your day, would you lift up in prayer, not only us, but the other families who will be joining us tonight in our training. That we would keep our eyes focused on this call that God has placed over us, and that we would not look to the right or to the left, but only on the path that He has set out for us.

Would you pray in agreement with us that the schemes of the enemy would be in vain, as he tries to prevent us and the other families from carrying this mantle.

Would you pray that schedules open up and that time is protected, so that we all can make it safely and on time to the training, not only today, but for the rest of the training as well over the next few weeks.

Would you pray that our minds and our hearts would not get overwhelmed with information overload, and that we will just take one thing at a time, and look to the Cross for provision and direction.

Would you pray favor and blessing over these families starting their journeys today.

I can't tell you how humbled we are that God has called us here. Ready or not, here we go!

Image Credit

Be Strong and Courageous

It's been a while since I've written you, dear Internet, and for that I apologize. The holiday season was BUSY for us, to say the least. I'm sure my busy-ness will just get worse when Little Bit comes along...

I also have wanted to keep this platform very intentional, and keep my posts completely lead by the Holy Spirit, sharing with you guys whatever it is that He wants me to share, when He wants to share it. There are seasons in our lives where we hear Him speaking to us constantly, and then there are seasons that He seems to be quiet, and I'm learning that this is something to be embraced. Because let's be real, I'm still very much in a season of waiting, and I must learn to embrace it.

This process will be a long one, and I'm learning that most people may not fully realize that. At Christmas, there were some that were expecting to see a bouncing baby on my lap. As much as I wish that were the case, it is not. But. In time, it will be. And it will be that much sweeter, because the timing will be right.

One thing that is coming along, is preparing our nursery. I haven't gotten anything put together quite enough to do any sort of "reveal," and I'm not sure when that will ever be, if even. But I am ready to say that our "theme," if you will, for the room is Strong and Brave.

In Scripture, the Lord commands His people over and over again to be strong and courageous. And as we look forward to this season that lies ahead of us, He has made it clear that this will be a season for Matt and I to be strong and courageous, as well as to create a space for the child(ren) who come through our doors that will prophesy strength and courage over their lives.

Something that has been so special to me has been Matt's Christmas gift to me. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him I wanted Giving Keys. Originally, I had asked him for two of the same necklace, in different colors. One with the word Strength, and one with the word Courage.  When I opened them to see two different necklaces in two different lengths, I was overwhelmed with pleasant surprise. Because now, I can wear them together. The Lord's prophesy over us and over our children will be around my neck more times than not. Together. Not separately.

And you know what? It's even better, because if we are strong, but have no courage, then where are we? And if we have courage, but are not strong, then how far can we go in our battles? The Lord does not command His people to just be strong, or to just be courageous. He commands us to be Strong AND courageous.

And so with every time that I wear these, I am owning a prophesy of what God is creating me to be and what He is using me to instill in our family: STRENGTH. COURAGE.

So if you see me wearing them, and wonder if these are just trivial words for me, they are absolutely not. These words are God's prophesy over me. These words are God's prophesy over Matt. These words are God's prophesy over our children. I wear these with great reverence. I wear these as a seal of God's promises over our lives.

And I will cherish these sweet gifts forever.

We Are Living in a Material World...

Stuff. Kids come with a lot of STUFF.

If you've had children, you know this to be true. When a pregnant mother nears her due date, she will have already have been nesting for weeks, if not months. Nursery decorated and furnished, stocked with diapers, wipes, clothes, and everything you could think of that one would need to care for a new baby.

She's often had 10 months to prepare for the arrival of this new little one. Some have been preparing for years. I know someone who started to stockpile baby gear for years prior to having her first child. I will have to admit I thought it a little strange at the time. But now I think back on how unbelievably smart she was. Kinda like those doomsday preppers, who everyone thinks is crazy until the zombie apocalypse comes...

Wait, what just happened there??

We've known that God has called us to foster care for a long time, and He confirmed His timing this summer. From the time that He definitively revealed His timing to us, until the time that we may possibly get a placement is the same exact timeframe that coincides with a normal pregnancy. It's funny how He pairs the natural with our supernatural callings. Every time.

So we have had quite some time to prepare. Not only to prepare our hearts and minds, but our home as well. The difference? I don't have a growing belly to remind us that baby is coming. And soon.

For a while now, I've been nesting, in the sense of cleaning out junk. Purging. Getting rid of the crap. I cannot believe how much stuff we have, even after only being in this home for 4 years. When we moved here, we purged, and I cannot believe that we still have so much more to get rid of. To compound the issue, our house is small, with very little in terms of storage.

I've been trying to move from one room to the other, cleaning out things slowly and thoroughly. But then Black Friday happened. We scored some amazing deals on some much needed baby gear. We got incredible discounts on a stroller/carseat combo, and a crib. So naturally, when these came in, I NEEDED to get them set up. Immediately.

The catch was that when cleaning stuff out, I didn't start in the extra bedroom. I started on the other side of the house. Making space for everything little by little. Because without needing to use the spare room as an actual bedroom, it became the room where we stored tons of stuff.

So to set up the crib, I needed to move a desk. I didn't have a place for the desk yet. But the desk would fit in the closet. So to fit the desk in the closet, I had to move all the boxes of my great grandmother's china. To move those, I had to rearrange the cabinet in my tiny kitchen with no storage. By the way, not all of it fit. What did people really do back in the day with a dinner plate, salad plate, bread plate, soup bowl, saucer for the soup bowl, tea cup, saucer for the tea cup, serving platter [X3], gravy boat, sugar bowl, serving bowl.............WHO HAS TIME TO DO ALL THOSE DISHES????

AHHHHH, I digress....

There came a point where I was just moving things around. Playing nesting Tetris.

Where was I headed with this? Oh. Stuff...

You know, becoming a parent through foster care looks so different than becoming a parent "naturally." I place that in quotes because going through the foster care route is so natural for us. But in some ways it looks the same. One of the ways that it looks the same is that you need a lot of stuff for a child: diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, bibs, crib, carseat, stroller, changing pad, toys, books, bath toys, towels, pacifiers, blankets....

Stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Another way it looks the same? Often, a woman's water breaks suddenly, and she goes into labor quickly. She often rushes straight to the hospital, and gives birth to a baby a few short hours later (okay, okay, sometimes labor is not that quick...). Then soon after, she comes home with a baby. In foster care, the equivalent of going into labor is getting THE CALL. The call that there is a child needing a home, and needs to be picked up soon. Like within a couple of hours. This call could come during "business hours." Or it could come at 2:00am.

Since we have known that we are moving in this direction for months now, the Lord has made it clear to me that we are to prepare. We are to build our ark. In the faith chapter, Hebrews 11, the Bible says that it was By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family (Heb 11:7). We cannot yet see what God is doing through this journey, although we've seen a glimpse. It is entirely by faith that we are preparing, and building our ark.

Noah built an ark when God told him of the coming flood, even though there was no rain in sight. Sunny blue skies. No rain for months (if ever, who knows...). But by faith, he believed what God told him, and he built an ark. And it was credited to him as righteousness.

So we are doing just that. We are looking ahead to what God has called us to, and we are preparing and building our ark. We are clearing out clutter, and making space. We are gathering supplies. We have a crib set up, and a car seat purchased. I even went as far as making a registry. Which quite a few people have looked at me sideways for. But you know what? I'm building my ark. I don't have time for sideways glances. If you think that's overkill, then thanks for stopping by, keep on moving along...

The reality is, though, that a lot of foster families do not have this time to prepare their arks. There comes a time when a foster family gets a call at 3:00am asking if they can take a child. Oh, and by the way, they will be at their doorstep in an hour or two. Even for us, with "all the time" that we've had to prepare, you still never can be fully prepared, for any child, any age. Who has storage for that? I know I don't. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STUFF YOU NEED FOR A KID??? HAVE I MENTIONED WE DON'T HAVE STORAGE???

But you know what's awesome? In our local foster community we have this amazing resource in the Vault. The Vault is a non profit organization, that is a local resource for foster families in our community. The Vault stockpiles essential items--MATERIAL THINGS--that foster families need at the drop of a hat.

You have a baby coming in an hour and need a carseat? Done. You have a toddler coming and you don't have a bed for him? Done. You bought a crib, but never got a mattress because you thought you'd have more time to nest? Done. You've always had older children, and now you're getting a baby and need bottles? Done.

You guys, I don't know if you know how much of a blessing this is, and how PRIVILEGED our foster community is to have this at our fingertips. Because the reality is that most foster parents across the country do NOT have this available to them. Most foster families are responsible for purchasing everything all at once that they will need, and all within a couple of hours.

I know what you're thinking. People who have children "naturally" have to get all this stuff too, right? Yes. But they have 10 months to prepare, not 2 hours. Not to mention baby showers and excited families and friends willing and ready to contribute. It takes a village right?

It sure does. And the fostering village in our local community is amazing. We are truly blessed to be able to be a part of this community. But guess what? Like everything, it takes money.

It takes money to have a warehouse full of childcare gear ready for families in need. Things. MATERIAL, TANGIBLE STUFF. Stuff that makes it easier for families to say Yes! to children in need of a home. Stuff that, without it, some parents would be too overwhelmed to open their homes.

Having the Vault available means that families are equipped to love on children. Having the Vault available means that foster parents who are not financially "wealthy" can still open their hearts and homes to children, because they have the things that they need to care for these kids. Having the Vault available means that when the 2:00am call comes, and a family doesn't have a crib or a carseat, they can still say a resounding YES! to the little one who will come into their lives. Having the Vault available means that the Kingdom of Heaven is advancing. That the love of Christ will shine vibrantly.

During this season of giving, often people are searching for the perfect organization to give their last significant financial donations of the year to. If that is you, could I ask you to keep the Vault in mind? Would you consider your year end giving prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to guide your gifts to be used for the things that He has set out for you to partner with? For organizations that show His love to the most vulnerable--to children displaced and searching for their home?

For religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. James 1:27

Getting Started 101

I've had quite a few of you ask me what our timeline is, and when we will be expecting a child in our home. So I thought I'd take a moment to clarify a little bit on how this process will go. More or less. Because if I've learned anything from watching my friends travel on this journey, it's that things with foster care don't always go as planned. That's about the only thing we can plan on. HA!

This is not an end all be all explanation, as I'm going off of what I know right now, and what I've been told by our friends and our agency. I'm sure there will be a lot more to learn as we get deeper into this process.

But to start things off, in order to be a foster parent, you must first get licensed with the state. They don't just throw babies at anyone who wants them (thank goodness). There is a lot of training and preparation involved. When getting licensed, you can either go directly through the Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS), or you can get licensed through a foster agency. We will be getting licensed through the agency 4Kids, which is a Christian foster placement agency that our church supports.

Through 4Kids, our first step will be to take licensing classes, which will take place over the first 3 weeks in February. During these classes, we will learn about the foster system in Texas, and we will be trained in how to effectively parent children who come to us out of their broken situations. It will run the gamut from discipline to grief to attachment to CPR/first aid training, and so much more.

Then comes paperwork. With our particular agency, a prospective foster parent must attend the first class (which is a basic intro into the foster care system) prior to being able to fill out or turn in any paperwork. Which, when you think about it, is smart. They want to make sure that you know what you're getting into before you jump into all the legal paperwork stuff. And so while I know some of the things that will be needed (copies of drivers' licenses, SSI cards, marriage license, pay stubs, budgets, inspections, etc...), we cannot start to get these things all together and turn them in until after our first class on February 2.

After all of the classes are completed, and all of the necessary paperwork has been turned in (which includes fire inspection from the fire marshall and safety inspection from the health inspector), the next step is to get a home study. This will be our "file" that CPS looks at and determines if our family wound be a good option for each child that is needing a foster home placement. I don't know a whole lot about this yet, but from what I've read in other blog posts and from poking around online, the process is a long and stressful one. But I know that my God will bring us through this victoriously, because He is faithful to deliver on His promises. Every time.

Once the home study is complete, everything gets turned in to the state, and we wait to be accepted and licensed. And one the license comes in, our home can officially be opened to waiting children.

So to answer all of your questions, after we go through "the process," I think realistically we could expect to get a child placed in our home sometime in the spring or summer of next year. Assuming all goes as planned, which...in foster care, there's really no such thing as a plan...

So I guess basically, I don't know. That will probably be our answer to most everything, huh? :) But I'm OK with that. Because the Lord knows, and that's all I need to rest on.

In All Fairness...

The amount of support that we have received as we embark on this journey called foster care has been overwhelming. We are filled with such joy and anticipation as we look forward to what God is planning to do in our lives and in our family. Y'all, I'm more excited for this than for Christmas!

And while we have not had anyone overtly say that they are concerned about us taking this step, I have heard this a few times: "It's just not fair. There are families that get their kids taken away because of [insert situation here], and then there are families like yours who deserve to have kids, but can't. It's just not fair."

That word deserve makes me cringe now. Because what do any of us really deserve, if we take a good long hard look at the mirror? These sentiments are genuinely meant to be sympathetic, and I do not want to discredit them. I will admit that in the early stages of my grief over our infertility, I have felt many of these things, often accompanied by anger and bitterness, shaking my fists at God, and asking Him, "Why??"

But you guys, in all fairness...life is not fair...

I know...groundbreaking truth right there, huh?

I'm sure we could all list countless things that have happened to us that just aren't fair, couldn't we? For me to type them all out would probably break the internet. But that's not the life that we have been called to. We have not been called to keep tallies, and to make sure that everything is fair and square for everyone. Don't even get me started on participation trophies...

I think that in times where we are questioning fairness, especially when it comes to heartbreaking things like families being torn apart, we would be wise to look to the Cross.

Because guess what?

The Cross wasn't fair.

Christ came down from heaven. He lived a perfect sinless life. He taught and lived out the Word of God. He brought healing, and love, and joy to those around Him.

And yet...He went to the Cross.

He went to the cross to die a criminal's death. A gruesome death that none of us could ever imagine enduring. All so that we, the sinners, could know God, and experience His Truth in ways that we couldn't have without that Cross -- without that sacrifice.

Y'all. THAT is what is not fair. It was not fair that Christ was the sacrifice for my ugly stained life. It was not fair that my perfect Savior God came and went through all of that to redeem my blemished soul.

IT. WAS. NOT. FAIR!

But oh, am I so grateful for that Cross. Oh, am I so grateful that He has redeemed me from the pit.

As I look forward to this journey, my outlook has changed from that's just not fair, to I cannot believe that God is allowing us to do this...

He is allowing us, and giving us this privilege to love on His children while their families are trying to heal and get back on track.

He is allowing us to pray life and hope and restoration into broken families, in order that they might encounter His redemption.

He is allowing us to minister to children and mothers and fathers in ways that they maybe never could experience otherwise.

He is giving us the opportunity to see broken lives as just that--broken--and to see them without judgment or condemnation.

He is giving us the opportunity to press into His Spirit more closely, and learn to live on complete reliance on Him.

And through all of that, our family may grow through adoption. Or we may just be vessels that He is wanting to use to bring healing to families. And either way, as long as we are living in His will and following the path that He's laid out for us, the journey is going to be so so sweet. I can't wait, y'all. It's gonna be awesome.

Mama Dove

Growing up, I always wanted a cool nickname. My sister Jessica couldn't say her name, so it came out as Kika. And it's stuck even to this day.

How adorable, right? Except I never got a nickname...and I always felt left out. And so for whatever reason, as a tiny babe, I decided that "Dove" would be the perfect nickname. Please stop laughing. I have absolutely no idea where that came from. I was like 6, for the love!

I may or may not have also used that as an argument that I was destined to have a Gibson Dove. For some strange reason, I've had difficulty winning that argument with Matt, although I can't imagine why...

So in true Mama Dove fashion, I have been nesting like a crazy woman these days, cleaning out all the junk we've accumulated over the past 10 years. The crazy thing is, when we moved to Boerne four years ago, we decluttered and got rid of SO. MUCH. CRAP. And yet, here we are, closets busting at the seams, and I'm left racking my brain trying to figure out where we are going to store everything that comes along with a baby. Or a toddler. Or a preteen...y'all...we could end up with any age child, isn't that crazy?

Some of our conversations have looked a little bit like this:
C: "How about these computer speakers?"
M: "Keep them."
C: "What? Why??"
M: "Because I might need them someday..."
C: "But they've been sitting here in this cabinet for the past 6 years untouched!"
M: "Fine, Goodwill..."
**Insert eye roll emoji here**

After a few weeks of this, we had ourselves a car load full of junk to donate. Hello, tax deduction! It's the first of many, I'm sure, because we are still swimming in stuff. Seriously, how does that happen??

Sometimes I feel a little dumb doing all this, because we haven't even taken the licensing classes to foster yet. But it's the only thing that I can do right now to prepare. I've mentioned it to another foster mama, and she reassured me that it is totally normal for me to be nesting like this. It's funny how women do this, even when we don't have the hormones that go along with pregnancy. And I also have to remember that if I were pregnant, I'd still be doing all these things.

And so I purge on, clearing the junk, and making space, trying my best to create my nest to be able to accommodate a baby. Or a toddler. Or a preteen...

And like everything with this journey, it's going to look different. But I'm finally in a place where I'm totally OK with that. And it's amazing.

When Things Look Different...

Motherhood. It's something that has been ingrained into my soul for as long as I can remember. I was that little girl with a baby doll in tote everywhere I went. I remember going to work with my dad in the summer, and taking the doll, her blankets, all her bottles, diapers, and every other play baby item we had, and mothering the heck out of that doll. Or spending time at my grandparents' house with our family, begging my Mamaw to let me take the doll outside for a walk. Because, you know, babies need fresh air. Duh. Alas, I didn't have a driver's license, so she wouldn't let me go...come see me after class for the rest of that story...

Serving in the nursery at church...babysitting any chance I got...always being the first to hold the new baby at friends' house...

Being a mother has been such a deeply rooted part of me for as long as I can remember. And so after Matt and I got married, naturally, my mind went immediately to babies. How many we would have, when we would start our family, what the names would be...a big thank you to my cousin for stealing my baby name...;) Just kiddinggggggg...

So about a year or so after we got married, we decided to stop taking birth control. Now, for those of you who know our story, and know that I was a budding 18 years old at marriage, you know that this means that at age 19, I was "trying" to have a baby. And while that probably seems bonkers to you (and now to me looking back as well), that was where my heart was, because, MOTHERHOOD, y'all! It is a part of who I am!

 So as you can imagine, being suddenly lumped into the statistic of the 6% of married women in the US who suffer from infertility came as quite a shock. I'm sure that Matt was also shocked learning that the chances of us having a child naturally were slim-to-none. But I'm not sure that it hit down to the very core of his being, as it did for me.

You guys, infertility is a real thing, and it is a painful thing to walk through. And more people around you are suffering with it than you would ever imagine. Because it is just not something that we talk about. It's not something that we are proud of. It's shameful in a way, and the enemy uses this disease to lie to us that we are not blessed if we suffer with this, because "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him." (Ps 127:3)

And so if the Bible says that children are a gift and a reward, then wouldn't it be safe to agree with the enemy's lies that if you are not given this gift, it is because you don't deserve this? Because you are not worthy of a reward from Him?

Now look, I am not condoning these agreements. These agreements bring death to our spirits, but I'm just being real with y'all. These feelings are undeniable. These are things that your friends around you are struggling with, but you would never even know it.

But you know what is awesome about our God? He takes what the devil whispers to us, and He turns it around. And He declares that "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children." (Ps 113:9)

I have received much hope from this and other verses that say the same thing. But as I study, it has become clear: God's Word does not say that "the barren woman will become pregnant." It says that the barren woman will be a mother of children. Interesting when you look at that subtle detail, huh?

Now, don't get me wrong. I fully believe and know that God is capable of healing this, and bringing life to my womb. He's done it in other women before, and He can do it again, for me. And He might still. But in the past 8 years, He has not. For reasons that He does not require us to know. The only thing He requires of us is that we trust Him and believe His Word. And so I do. I believe Him when He tells me that I will be a happy mother of children.

These days there are a lot of ways that a woman can become a mother. But right out of the gate, God made it abundantly clear to us that medicine was not the way that He was building our family. And so after getting our initial fertility testing done, we did not take things farther with more tests, procedures, medications, etc. Because to do so would be disobedient, first of all, not to mention a waste of time and money, knowing that God has not called us to that.

So I did what any other normal OCD woman would do, and I researched. I researched the crap out of adopting from the private sector and from overseas. For years I attempted to wrap my mind around it. And I hit roadblocks and mental hurdles that I just could not seem to get over. The entire process to me was completely overwhelming.

We have friends who have adopted, both privately, and from overseas. Friends who could point out the pathways for us, and show us how to start and get through that journey. But it was profoundly clear to my soul that this wasn't His plan for us either.

And so we waited. And waited. And waited.....

Enter Nineteen:Ten Church...

Being planted into this family has been one of the best things that has ever happened to us. Through this House, we have built relationships with people who will be lifelong friends. Through this House, we have found freedom from bondage. And through this House, we were introduced to the foster care system. A system that is teeming with the need for the people of the Church to step in and be the hands and feet of Jesus to these kids.

And so it is with great excitement that we would like to announce that late this summer, God definitively revealed to us that He will be building our family through the foster-to-adopt system.

Matt and I would love for you to join us in prayer as we prepare for all that God has set apart for us on this journey. Right now, we are preparing our home as best as we can. The first "official" step for us to take is to go through the licensing classes, which we are set to do with our church family in February. There will be a lot of hurdles to jump, and hoops we will have to go through. It is a process that, to some, may look and feel overwhelming. But you know what's awesome? To the degree that I was overwhelmed with researching other adoption methods, God has given me that much peace about this, and a deeply rooted knowledge that we can handle this.

I want you guys to know that we truly appreciate all the support and excitement that we have received from our families and friends, and look forward to starting this journey.

**If you would like to know more about the foster care system, and all ways that you can get involved, this Sunday, 11/13/16, at 1pm at Nineteen:Ten Church we are holding an information meeting that we would love for you to be a part of. To RSVP simply email Reclaimed@1910church.com

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